The Mother-Daughter Puzzle

oo many women are carrying a deep, weeping wound on their souls because the love and care they have given hasn’t been reciprocated. This kind of wound can smart with fearful thoughts that, maybe, she is not worth loving.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Silence points the finger of blame at the victim rather than at the perpetrator, which adds another layer of victimization on the victim.

Toxic guilt is felt when a woman feels bad for not doing enough, even though she isn’t getting what she needs in return. Another example is when a woman feels bad for speaking up, even though her thoughts haven’t been inquired after or welcomed. Or when she feels selfish for doing what is best for her, and she’s feeling shame or guilt for going against the Culture of Female Service code, which expects her to sacrifice her needs for the good of others.

there are two different types of guilt. The first type is real guilt. This guilt or shame is felt when we deliberately or inadvertently hurt someone. This guilt is healthy, because without it, we’re in danger of being a sociopath. The second type is toxic guilt. Women feel this guilt or shame when they go against a code of behavior that patriarchy has set out for them.

A woman cannot build a relationship in which she is heard and supported by trying to do all the listening and caring. That is an emotional impossibility. She needs the other person to perform their equal share of being emotionally available, so that together they can build a relationship that recognizes both of their voices and both of their needs.

when mothers and daughters share their unfiltered, emotional truth about the sacrifices they have had to make, the needs that weren’t met, and how life situations and role stereotypes limited their choices, blame and guilt evaporate

mothers and daughters tune into what their father, husband, children, and friends need, because they believe it is their duty to advocate for other people’s needs, while their needs come a poor second, if they even address them at all

Shaming women for having needs of their own has been a powerful, centuries-old patriarchal strategy that co-opts women into complying with their own inequality.

Facts include women’s ages, when someone died, their occupations, and the gender roles that define the women’s lives. Emotional reality includes whether women were heard or silenced, whether women’s emotional needs were honored, or denied, and what emotional health issues the women struggled with. Facts are recorded around the outside of a woman’s circle; each woman’s emotional reality is recorded inside her circle.