Fight Right

The Zeigarnik effect shows us that unless you fully process something, especially emotionally, it all stays in your memory.

It appeared that a desire to “finish” something, a sense that it was incomplete or unresolved, led to that event being retained much more vividly in memory. T

the more you allow yourself to be influenced by your partner, the more capacity you will have to influence them.

understanding must precede resolution.

87 percent of the time, the six questions lead to major breakthroughs in a gridlocked conflict.

The Dream Catcher’s Magic Questions
What do you believe about this issue? Do you have some values, ethics, or beliefs that relate to your position on this issue?

Does your position relate to your history or childhood in some way?

Why is your position on this issue important to you?

What are your feelings about this issue?

What is your ideal dream here? If you could wave a magic wand and have exactly what you want, what would that look like?

Is there some underlying purpose or goal in this for you? What is it?

I Feel”: When you need help expressing your emotions in the moment

“Sorry”: When you need help phrasing an apology

“Get to Yes”: When you want to validate your partner or meet them partway

“I Need to Calm Down”: When you’re starting to feel flooded and/or need a moment of repair

“Stop Action”: When you are flooded and need a break

“I Appreciate”: When you want to make a repair and add positivity

In conflict, your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable—to turn attack and defend into self-disclosure and openness. This is what “solving the moment” is all about—reframing the goal at this stage of conflict so that your primary objective is to find out more about what your partner is thinking and feeling and needing, and express that yourself before trying to progress to persuasion and compromise.

In conflict, your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable—to turn attack and defend into self-disclosure and openness. This is what “solving the moment” is all about—reframing the goal at this stage of conflict so that your primary objective is to find out more about what your partner is thinking and feeling and needing, and express that yourself before trying to progress to persuasion and compromise.

In conflict, your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable—to turn attack and defend into self-disclosure and openness. This is what “solving the moment” is all about—reframing the goal at this stage of conflict so that your primary objective is to find out more about what your partner is thinking and feeling and needing, and express that yourself before trying to progress to persuasion and compromise.