Daniel Sloss

My parents are in love. Still. To this day. After all these years. They are total nerds.

You can’t have three kids without loving sex. Unless you’re a devout Catholic.

One. You are not responsible for the happiness of other human beings. You are absolutely allowed to do everything within your power to make them happy, and you should. But it is not your fucking job. And if it feels like your job, quit. That’s not a relationship. That’s a job. Fuck that.

If you’re wondering why I’ve put in so many rimming references, allow me to explain. I’ve never written a book before. I know there are editors and publishers who are going to read through this and give me notes. I’m just curious to see if there is ever a point where one of them emails me saying, “Fewer rimming references,” because I’d frame that fucking email. Downside is maybe they don’t care. Maybe they let it go through. Now it’s a Mexican stand-off. I don’t actually want all these references in there. It makes me look like a pervert. My gran’s gonna read this. She can’t know.)

nd I see right fucking through you

Just because I wasn’t born with an older sibling didn’t mean I didn’t yearn for it. Most of the friends that I have in my life are older than I am

Sex can still be special if you sleep around, too. Some people live under the impression that if you spend most of your life fucking, you get bored with it or you ruin it for yourself. Not true. You’ve always got lovemaking. Nobody makes love the first time. Not since World War Two and the whole “I ship out in the morning” shtick still existed has anyone ever made love on the first go. Too big a gamble.
Understand, I don’t think waiting for the right person and having sex with only her or him is a bad thing. I think it’s great. If that’s what you’re about. I also don’t believe having lots of sex with a bunch of people makes you any less of a person than the other ones. Each to his or her own.
You’ll meet people who will proudly boast that they’ve only ever had sex with one person. Good for them. It must be bliss having a partner who has nothing to compare it to. Someone who doesn’t have a large palate. Porridge must be the greatest thing in the world when you’ve never heard of chocolate. People who say “My body is a temple” seriously underestimate how many people visit temples.

can’t believe you’ve had sex with that many people.” Dude, I only found out you were an option six months ago. Chill the fuck out. I flew EasyJet until I could afford British Airways. I’m a big believer that anything you do before you meet your partner doesn’t count (as long as it’s legal, obviously) and they shouldn’t hold it against you.

Jealous people make you feel like property.

. I hope that living with me and seeing a man in his natural territory when I’m not trying to impress anyone hasn’t made her lose too much faith in the world. She’s not a lesbian yet, so that’s something.