Geoff Tibballs

Don’t think of yourself as being lazy: think of yourself as a relaxaholic.

The secret to enjoying someone’s company is not to spend a lot of time with them.

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is coming to the realization that the other person is a total idiot.

Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.

Friends help you move house. Real friends help you move bodies.

Learn to accept that the only way you’ll ever have a smokin’ hot body is to be cremated.

Don’t think of yourself as being lazy: think of yourself as a relaxaholic.

If the doorbell rings just as your partner is on the brink of orgasm, don’t ignore it. It could be that parcel you’ve been waiting for.

Stare at people you don’t like through the prongs of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.