I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

Psychiatrist: Fear increases when it’s something that you keep to yourself. Instead of suffering alone, it can often be good to share it with someone else, like you’re doing now.

People say I’m very honest. But I thought to myself: Am I really an honest person? And I realised the part of me that I hide from all others is this part.

But the crux of the matter is that you keep believing you have to meet other people’s expectations—

The funnier thing is that often I have no interest in the men but I’m hoping they’re interested in me. Jesus, I really do hate myself, I’m pathetic.

I am very aware of it. I’m so sensitive to that sort of thing that every little word sounds like thunder.

(Wow, this is painful for me to write. I really sound like a crazy person here.)

Feelings of envy are very common, it only means you have ideals. But envy coupled with constant comparisons with oneself is something distinct. I think you’re only idealising her a little, it doesn’t seem that seriou

Me: Am I really that extreme?

Psychiatrist: It’s not that you’re ‘that extreme’. You simply have a certain tendency. First of all, I think you need to spatially separate your work and your rest. If you were stressed at work, you ought to be relaxing when you’re home, but you’re sitting at home listening to recordings of yourself. This mixes up the two spaces, which makes you feel near-constant shame and anxiety.

Psychiatrist: Perhaps your perception of reality is so polarised and extreme that you’re only able to see your sisters within the framework of ‘Everything about us is the same’ or ‘Everything about us is different.’

Me: You mean it’s a matter of my perspective and has nothing to do with reality itself?

Which means, the more I hurt others, the bigger my own wounds become.