The Problem with Forever

People show you what they want you to see.

“I always knew you’d be beautiful one day.”

“Can I tell you something?”

Forever wasn’t pain and grief.

Forever wasn’t a problem.

Forever was my heartbeat and it was the hope tomorrow held. Forever was the glistening silver lining of every dark cloud, no matter how heavy and thick it was. Forever was knowing moments of weakness didn’t equate to an eternity of them. Forever was knowing that I was strong. Forever was Carl and Rosa, Ainsley and Keira, Hector and Rider. Jayden would always be a part of my forever. Forever was the fire-breathing dragon inside me that had shed the fear like a snake shedding skin. Forever was simply a promise of more.

Forever was a work in progress.

And I couldn’t wait for forever.

I still had a lot of work to do and that was my work to complete and it was my voice that needed to be heard when I needed to speak. No one else. It was me who had to carry myself over the finish line, and all I needed to remember when I felt like not trying was that that feeling wouldn’t last forever.

Forever.

My past was a part of me and it molded who I was today, but it was not the sum of who I was to become. It did not control me.

The past never went away and it was not designed to do so.

“Oh my God,” I laughed, shoving at his shoulders. “You’re terrible.”

“I’m not terrible.” His eyes met mine, and the flutter was back, deeper and more dizzying. “I’m in love.”

I held him tighter as he broke into pieces, and years of holding it together shattered. I held him through it all.

Then it was me who put Rider back together.

“I want to be the guy worthy of your love, and I swear, if you’ll have me, I’ll do everything in my power to be that man. I’ll never stop trying. Ever.”