Permission to Parent

As soon as you hear “You are a mean mommy,” try to name your child’s feeling and mirror it back more constructively. “I understand that you are disappointed to have to leave the party, but calling me names is not OK.” When you hear “I hate my brother,” you can say, “I can tell you’re really upset that he took your toy.” Address the authentic primary feeling of hurt, not the secondary anger. Redirect the language into more compassionate communication.

• She calmed her own emotions down—we have to be the lesson before we can teach the lesson.
• She modeled a gentle tone.
• She set out clear rules for how to talk to each other.
• She gave the boys an opportunity to learn conflict resolution by empowering them to work it out themselves. They became more invested in the outcome and active participants in the problem solving.

Step 1: Take a moment to calm yourself first.
Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. “I know that you are disappointed.”
Step 3: Set the limit. “It is not OK to act like this.”
Step 4: Give an opportunity to self-regulate. “You can pick one of these two desserts.”
Step 5: State a firm consequence. “If you can’t control your behavior, we are going to leave the party.”
Step 6: Follow through. Shock the parent police and actually leave. Thunderous applause will erupt.

g. Take comfort in knowing that Authoritative Parenting—defined as listening to your child, encouraging independence, and giving fair and consistent consequences—yields very well-adjusted children. Spoiling a child is easier in the moment than setting limits, but it is your job to help regulate and contain your children’s emotions

The classic example is parents screaming at their kids to calm down. We can either model calmness or we will match their agitation tantrum for tantrum. So breathe, and think, before you speak.

The way you talk to your kids is the way that they will talk to themselves. You are the voice in your child’s head.

Not following through with kids is like not finishing an antibiotic. One grows resistant bacteria, the other resistant kids.

When children are hurt, they need to know they have a safe parent to go to for comfort. The basics of love and comfort allow a child to depend on you. It is only through that dependence that they learn the skills to be independent.

if parents are more compassionate, instead of dismissing their children’s feelings, kids would pass through these phases sooner.

“A good parent understands the mystery of their child. They put the puzzle pieces and clues together to see who is in front of them—not who they want, but who is really there.”