Attached

Does this mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our careers or friends? Paradoxically, the opposite is true! It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—and this is the “dependency paradox.” The logic of this paradox is hard to follow at first. How can we act more independent by being thoroughly dependent on someone else? If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in a single sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory.

they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response

The difference is that adults are capable of a higher level of abstraction, so our need for the other person’s continuous physical presence can at times be temporarily replaced by the knowledge that they are available to us psychologically and emotionally

The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become

Your attachment needs are legitimate.
• You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup.
• A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call!
• And above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.

In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.

love alone isn’t enough to make the relationship work

Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid

1. Getting sidetracked from the real problem.
2. Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and needs.
3. Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.
4. Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more negativity.
5. Withdrawing.
6. Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.

If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity.

It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.