The School of Life

How to Find Love

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Choosing a partner is one of the most consequential and tricky decisions we will ever make, and the cost of repeated failure is immense. How to Find Love explains why we have the ‘types’ we do, and how our early experiences give us scripts of how and whom we love. It sheds light on harmful repetitive patterns and the extent to which we are not always simply choosing people who can make us happy. We learn the most common techniques we use to sabotage our chances of fulfilment and why, despite their costs, we unwittingly engage in them. The book provides a crucial set of ideas to help us make safer, more imaginative and more effective choices in love.
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    Oksana Radzikhovskacompartió su opiniónhace 2 meses
    👍Me gustó

    Very useful nowadays!)) So many explanations of our fears and instincts


    Oksana Radzikhovskacompartió una citahace 2 meses
    Both Winnicott and Kierkegaard are saying that there will always be something wrong around relationships. It sounds as if this might be a depressing message, but its effect is the reverse. If things are a bit bad, it’s probably because we’re doing it right. These thinkers are backing us away from an unhelpful ideal. They are inviting us to be more modest in our expectations of relationships, not to make us unhappy, but in order to help us make our peace with the only thing that is actually on offer: a radically imperfect but genuine love for another flawed person and a necessarily troubled but still valuable shared life beside them
    Oksana Radzikhovskacompartió una citahace 2 meses
    In other words, whatever we choose will be a bit wrong, so we shouldn’t agonise too much about any one choice we make. The real skill is not always to strive to make better choices; it’s to know how to make our peace with our necessarily bad choices. We keep on supposing that our lives would turn out well if only we could somehow make an ideal right decision. But Kierkegaard is firmly opposed to this naive error. We should with cheer accept that we never had ideal options in the first place. This is not a curse on us: the same difficult truth has to be faced by everyone
    Oksana Radzikhovskacompartió una citahace 2 meses
    A broadening of options emerges not only from realising our flaws; it also comes from taking a second, more imaginative, look at the litany of flawed potential partners whom we have grown used to dismissing so quickly and ruthlessly. We need to rediscover the role of the imagination in the genesis of love. When our imaginations are switched off, we judge people on the very obvious things about them. We meet someone who is quite nice, but their nose is big. That’s a no. Or they are an engineer, and engineers are unsophisticated. So that’s a no. Maybe they are rich, and rich people are snobs. A no too. Perhaps their hair is thinning and bald people aren’t our thing. No. Or their wrists are knobbly; no. When we’re in an unimaginative mode, we strike many people off the list of possibles very quickly. In this frame of mind, we have a relatively brief tick-list of things that interest (or repel) us. We feel it only takes a moment or two to sum someone up – and fire them.
    But what we call imagination means sensitivity to the less obvious things. One scans past the surface and wonders about what else might be going on in a person. They look conventional and a bit formal, but they could turn out to have playful and wild sides too. They look mousey, but maybe they are also very witty around people they know well. They do have a slightly wonky nose, but their eyes are very tender and their lips surprisingly sensual. They have a job that sounds unimpressive, but their interests are very broad and they might be the ideal person to go round an antiques market with. With the help of imagination, we start to engage with quieter virtues that we can’t see if we look head on. Practising imagination is a key to love. In a way it is love, for we all ultimately have to be considered imaginatively in order to be tolerated and forgiven over the long term. By thinking imaginatively, we’re not being disloyal to the true ambition of love; we’re stumbling on the essence of what love involves

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