Running on Empty No More

When emotional intimacy is not fully developed in your relationship, it can lead to an emptiness and a loneliness that is far more painful than you would feel if you were actually alone.

Childhood is the training ground for all four of the skill sets we just read about. When you see your parents communicating effectively, and when they communicate effectively with you, you naturally absorb the skills.
When your parents are aware of their own emotions and yours, you learn how to know when you’re feeling something, and what it means.
When your parents know how to identify, tolerate, listen to, use and express their emotions, you learn all of those skills, simply by being around them.
When your parents see your true nature, respond to the real you, and reflect back to you what they see—your strengths, weaknesses, qualities, preferences and predilections, likes and dislikes, talents and sensitivities—you learn all of these things about yourself.
When it all goes well in childhood, you are launched into adulthood with the foundation for an emotionally connected, resilient intimate relationship.
Unfortunately for many, not enough of this training occurs in childhood. Did your parents have the skills? If not, they weren’t able to give you what they didn’t have.
Then what happens? You grow up. You fall in love. You get married, and you’re happy for a while.
Then the problems begin.

Mark is hurt and angry because Beth ignored him at a party, even after he asked her to stick with him since he didn’t know anyone.
Poor Communication Skills
Passive-Aggressive: “I’ll show her how it feels. I’ll ignore her at my work party next week,” Mark decides.
Aggressive: Mark walks up to Beth during the party and says quietly, but in an enraged tone, “You are so self-centered! I’m never going to another party with you again.”
Sarcastic: As soon as Beth gets into the car to drive home Mark says angrily, “Well, I hope you had fun at that party, because I sure didn’t.”